Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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