I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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