I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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