I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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