Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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