how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
