she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
