I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
