Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
