apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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