Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
