i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
