You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
