My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
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