Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
