i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
We just shotgunned beers for America
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Randomize
