I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
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