I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
