and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
