what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
