Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
