apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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