dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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