My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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