I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
