Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
even my farts smell like vagina
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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