peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I have surprise drugs for everyone
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
