That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
