And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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