My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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