Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
