I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
