You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
