So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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