I heard we made out
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
