See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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