Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I am in a vortex of obligation.
even my farts smell like vagina
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
