I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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