My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize