i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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