i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
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I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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