Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
