i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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