i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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