Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize