Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
It's never too late to be topless.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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