wanna go halves on a baby?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
