I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
