So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I need a beard to bite.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
