Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
