I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
