you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
