It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
where are my eyebrows?
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