So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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