I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
i've created a new STD.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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