the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
