When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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