You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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