I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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