I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
