So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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