Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
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