It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Randomize
