What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
